Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just gift wrapped bread.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
