He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize