Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
soo... how was my night?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
