I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just threw up on my dentist
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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