my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
