im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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