Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
