my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
