My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
