In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
