dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize