Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
