I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
3 2 1 whiskey
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
