What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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