how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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