Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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