woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
