We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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