My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
