He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize