ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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