Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
