I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
