either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
