theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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