Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
