I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
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