After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
