Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
