So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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