Betty ford says i'm here all night
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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