I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
