I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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