So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize