We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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