DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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