I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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