I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
