Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
