alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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