The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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