Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
