she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Be still, my beating vagina.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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