I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
