O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize