I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
