no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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