I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
