the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
