I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I AM VODKA MAN
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
