We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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