Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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