So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
