Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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