I wish I could teleport
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize