hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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