i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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