Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
