for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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