So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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