What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize