youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
