Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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